apiology [the study of bees]

i have a message for that goddamned lying sales girl at origins who was obviously disturbed by the fact that i refused to remove my miami dolphins hat (seriously? you can’t even pretend not to grimace?) while she applied all kinds of crazy ass products to my face and made me feel gross because i wash my face with water and have never even considered spending $300 on four months of skin care products: you don’t know anything about anything. i bet you don’t even know who andrew weil is or anything about him except that he has some sort of anti-aging line of creams. lady, i don’t even care about andrew weil and i especially don’t care about the fact that he is such a freaking sellout that he is using americans’ fear of aging to make a ton of money. what i do care about is how stupid YOU are. when you freaked out about the fact that i don’t use face wash (“if you just use water and then put on moisturizer, it traps all the dirt under there and you build up layers of dirt. no, you can’t do that!”), i told you that i have sensitive skin. but, you insisted and gave me a sample of andrew weil’s “extremely light” face wash. i’ve been using it for two weeks. i gave you and crazy girl town a chance. and now my face is breaking out in a whole new way that i never thought possible. not only do i look like a 15 year old with a particularly sad reaction to puberty but MY WHOLE FACE HURTS. thanks for nothing. you are a liar. i will never buy anything from you stupid store ever. and also: your makeup made you look like a prostitute.

okay. now a story for the people i don’t hate ie everyone else.


my roommate and i just met up in the kitchen where he was all upset about the lights and the computers people were leaving on. or the computer. and person. he doesn’t know about MY flagrant disregard for the environment. i leave my computer on a lot and mainly i do it in hopes that a couple more salmon will die. but i close my door because i’m the smart kind of villain. i am always two steps ahead of the global warming destroyer (which is my roommate’s superhero name starting now). my other roommate is a sort of dimwitted bad guy that i am using as a diversionary tactic. the gwd is so busy putting nasty but educational post-its on her computer screen that he doesn’t notice the ozone-zapping ray that is positioned at my window.

anyway, we got in a very short discussion about the merits of turning your computer off if you are leaving for only an hour. well, not a discussion. the thing with superheroes is that that aren’t actually ever wrong. or quiet about how right they are. i thought about getting in some sort argument with him about reality and his obvious lack of connection to it but then i remembered his physical strength which he isn’t afraid to throw around in the name of good. so i took my pad thai and slunk back here to my secret lair. villains like me are more brainiacs. we like to let our minions and patsies do our fighting.

this afternoon i wrote some new sections into the choose-your-own-adventure-sci-fi-erotica story i wrote a year and a half ago. at first i tried to rewrite the erotica part which i did for about two hours and it sucked very seriously so instead i added some more about the disease “bee eye” and a whole new science fiction ending. i think i wrote for too long though because in the end a little bird starts sing “du hast” and then ripping the skin off people’s faces. i think it might be time to move on to a new story. if i turn it in to my class they are going to use the word “gimmicky” and i hate it when my class is right.

whatever. i think i am now in hour 4 of writing nonsense. maybe it’s time to watch some tv or something.

OH i almost forgot. pete and i are seriously serious about selling shirts. let me know if you want one. prices will be going way up (from 2 jose conseco rookie cards to, damn this computer doesn’t have the infinity sign) soon. call me, email me. you want people to love you, don’t you? you want happiness, right?