i’ve been watching a lot of medical dramas lately and i think i have come up with a solution to all of my problems: i’m going to sell a few of my organs on the black market!
well, that’s step one anyway. i figure i only need one kidney and one of the organs, the liver?, can sort of grow back, right? at least that’s what dr. house said.
anyway, i’ll sell a kidney and part of which ever organ can regenerate itself and HERE’S THE BEST PART- then i will fake my own death! an operation is perfect for death-faking! and when you are dead, you don’t have to pay your student loans back! it says so on the forms! i’ve read it!
so then i can drop out of school (obviously dead people don’t go to school) and make tshirts and dead stuffed animals full time! at my parents’ house where i won’t have to pay rent and i can eat birthday cake and pesto every day! and then when i become world famous for my mind blowing tshirt designs and cutting edge stuffed animals, i can reveal who i really am.
I’M NOT DEAD AFTER ALL.
at which point i will callously sell off the rights to my life story to the highest bidder (with the stipulation that charlie kaufman and christian bale must both be involved in the movie version and retaining rights to any royalty payments from merchandising) and move to costa rica where i will surf all day and enjoy a small amount of celebrity which will allow me to meet and fall in love with jake gyllenhaal. his riches will allow me to buy back my organs and help pay off other people’s student loans.
and we will all live happily ever after!