little did he know.

today i went and saw stranger than fiction. at some point pretty early on in this movie will ferrel’s character, harold crick, hears his “narrator” say “little did he know, events had been put into motion that would lead to his imminent death.” from then on, it is obvious this movie is going to suck. why? well, just for one thing: “little did he know” (which is supposed to be such a key line in the movie [according to the movie]) implies that harold DOESN’T KNOW that he’s about to die. but the whole plot is based on the fact that he does know. which just barely begins to illustrates the complete lack of logic the screenwriter (zac helm) decided to employ while writing this movie. now, i am not a person that is only into realism but i am also not a person that is into nonsense as cinema. if i learned one thing from logic class, it is that something does not have to be factually TRUE to be logical, but it does have to follow the rules set up by the situation. i.e. you can’t have it all. does he know? can he know? does he have any say over what happens? are he and the narrator even in the same universe? what is supposed to be “real”? these are questions which need to have answers; these are questions which zac helm decides to ignore.

people who want to write fiction should be forced to take a logic class.

not long after harold crick hears the voice telling him he’s about to die, he ends up in a psychiatrist’s office who tells him he is suffering from schizophrenia. which he is. put him in an asylum. i’m over it.

but the psychiatrist for some reason does not strap him down and instead directs him to a LITERATURE PROFESSOR. OH RIGHT that’s how mental health professionals deal with craziness, totally buy into it. i don’t want to sound pro-scientologist here but maybe l. ron was on to something when he said psychiatrists were evil quacks.

this so called “literature professor” is played by dustin hoffman who proves to everyone that it was david o. russell who made i heart huckabee’s an awesome movie and not him. it is at the moment when the proffesor begins to talk that i realized the writer and/or director of this movie must be seriously lazy english majors. i’m not saying this because i am a NON lazy english major, i am saying this because i can recognize someone of my own low caliber. instead of creating an english professor that makes any sense, helm has made his professor into the most general kind of joke, thinking that if he uses biggish words and says “paper” and “seminar” and has books on his shelves and students in the background, the general public won’t know the difference between an actual character and a paper doll with no eyes.

i’ve known a lot of english professors and none of them would go 10 minutes without pointing out their speciality. dustin hoffman doesn’t have one. unless you count “literature” as a speciality.

BUT i’m getting carries away. sure the movie is completely illogical and the characters are nonsense and the relationships are worthless and the graphics are a complete waste of time. sure it is a second-rate hybrid of two fantastic movies, i heart huckabee’s and adaptation. sure will ferrel, dustin hoffmen, maggie gyllenhaal and emma thompson all need new agents. but the real problem is the MORALS of this movie, which i am going to warn you now, give away the ending. stop reading if you care what happens and want to actually see the film.

okay. THE MORALS:
true love cures ocd.
if you ever some how turn out to be controlling the life of another human being, the best thing to do is to wash your hair and then let them live.
it is better to be mediocre and “happy” then to be genius and be “a murder.”

and i think with that last one we can just come out and say what they mean is: it is better to be mediocre than it is to be genius.

awesome. america needs more movies to tell us that.

the other movie i saw today (because that’s what i do, okay? and i got my financial aid and i wanted to celebrate) was borat. i realize that i am actually the last person in america to see this movie and you all know what the deal is so i’ll just say, i agree, it’s pretty good. but bruno is still my favorite sacha baron cohen character and i’m not backing down on that one.

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