last night

[currently i am obsessively writing a story. because i am equally obsessive about posting things in this blog (when did i become obsessive about things? is this new or old?) i am going to post this delirious entry i wrote last night about who should win academy awards. you have 2 options: don’t read it or don’t complain. i have a story to write.]

okay. in preparation for the academy awards i just watched the screen actors’ guild awards. it sucked. not only did they have awards for tv and NOT give one of them to deadwood, it was completely boring. whoever wrote the teleprompter lines was basically illiterate. it was a joke. also, and this was the worst part, i had to yell at the tv all alone. my roommate was there but she was confused by my behavior and also she hasn’t seen most of the movies that were nominated. and also she doesn’t respect leonardo dicaprio’s inner AND OUTER beauty which obviously makes it difficult for me to respect her opinion on movies in general. he’s hot. end of story. deal with it.

that said, i have at least 45 minutes until i go to bed and i have decided, for my own entertainment, to tell you who i think should win the academy awards this year (not who i think WILL win but who SHOULD). please don’t read this unless you have absolutely nothing else to do. celine dione is playing on my computer and while i was making dinner i saw a little titanic on tv. who knows how this will end?

best actor
i wish i had seen half nelson and venus but i haven’t so i’m just going to go with forest whitaker because his african was more important than leonardo’s. also i think it should be noted that will smith should get the opposite day oscar for his contribution to making the world a more sickeningly sentimental place and trying to destroy art AND standard spelling with a rubik’s cube and excessive cutesy-ness.

supporting actor
if you have to ask you haven’t seen the best movie of the year (little children): jackie earle haley. i love marky mark but this is an ACTING award. not a best ass kicking award.

actress
see above. the truth is kate winslet is just better. and the holiday was to pay the bills. never mention it again.

supporting actress
okay. seeing as i am completely anti-babel and i haven’t seen notes on a scandal, it looks like i am left with the little girl from little miss sunshine. but here’s the thing: if we are going to give the award to a little girl, i think we have to give it to the best little girl of the year. so i am throwing out the nominees and giving the award to ivana baquero who is the little girl from pan’s labyrinth and who basically destroys the little miss sunshine girl. sorry. it’s just the truth. ps dreamgirls isn’t a movie. i refuse to acknowledge it henceforth. next thing.

another thing that i don’t think counts: animated movies not created by damn you brian kinkley.

art direction
i’m going with pan’s labyrinth again. since i can’t vote for the science of sleep which is by the way, ridiculous. (the fact that i can’t vote for it, not the movie itself.)

cinematography
hmmm. children of men?

costume design
it was a sucky movie but marie antoinette did have sweet costumes.

directing
it may be completely dumb but i think united 93 should win this. i’ve never seen united 93. but i know babel shouldn’t win. and i know that the queen and the departed were both decent but best director? for some reason i have faith that if i ever see united 93 i will know i am right about this. sorry clint eastwood but world war 2 movies have already won awards.

documentary
i’ve only seen 2 of these movies and i think they both should win. probably all documentaries should win since they are some of the only movies that are actually doing anything these days. but at this point i am saying both jesus camp AND inconvenient truth should win. and also, before it’s too late, someone should show the jesus camp kids an inconvenient truth.

okay some categories i’m not commenting on: short documentary and editing. editing is really tough and i don’t know how i could possibly judge it.

foreign language film
i’ve only seen pan’s labyrinth but it was one of the better movies of the year. so it better freaking win this category.

make-up
this is a hilarious category. click? are you kidding me? and apocalypto? mel gibson just loves blue body paint. that doesn’t count. which means pan’s labyrinth wins. as it should.

best motion picture
since i can’t have little children (which really IS the best movie of the year) i’m going to say i won’t be sad if either the departed or little miss sunshine win. or the queen would be okay i guess. just not babel. please not babel.

i’m skipping the sound ones. once again i am not qualified.

adapted screenplay
little children. obviously. 100 times.

original screenplay
pan’s labyrinth. have i implored you to see this movie yet? it is sweet and i hate any sort of fantastical things on principle. but this is totally original, totally tragic, totally creepy. a lot of totallys. i don’t want to give anything away because i know you still have to see it. but lets just say, fairy tales aren’t always nice but even not nice fairy tales aren’t as bad as fascists.

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