anna nicole smith is actually dead

one benefit of staying home from school and work: i am the first person to hear about crazy celebrity deaths. today anna nicole smith died a “sudden unexplained death.” no one really seems to know why though obviously there are about a million possibilities that msnbc is putting forward. so far? methadone, stress, undiagnosed heart disease, distress (here’s an exercise: describe the difference between stress and distress).

my person diagnosis is trimspa overdose. at least this will be a new advertising spin.

newest theory: flu like symptoms. AVIAN BIRD FLU!! AVIAN BIRD FLU got anna.

too soon? okay but she’s had flu like symptoms since november and even had a collapsed lung.

no one is sure where her new baby is. which if you ask me is a new scary thing.

finally for now: um aren’t diet pills like speed? isn’t anna nicole an obvious meth head? plus the whole thing with her son is totally totally strange.

okay i win. but still. i feel bad for her kid. also what is going to happen with that old guy’s money?

*****breaking theory*****
anna nicole smith was assassinated by the guy who says he’s her baby’s dad. other sadder breaking theory: anna nicole smith killed herself. other international theory: the russians poisoned her.

*****breaking ex-publicist’s comments*****
“i’m not surprised. what was she on? some mixture of drugs or something?”
“i don’t know, she’s too young obviously to die of old age; i don’t know; i’m just not shocked.”

*****breaking press conference update*****
at 1:45 her body guard administer cpr. [she had a nurse so why didn’t the nurse do cpr?] okay the police chief isn’t saying anything at all interesting. oh anna nicole had been to the hopsital a lot. also, she died at the hospital. wow press conferences are boring. i didn’t realize how dumb reporters and police officers were. i know what i don’t want to be when i grow up.

*****breaking statement from the old man’s family*****
474 million dollars. oh actually there is no news on that front.

*****breaking “american tragedy”*****
this all happened in florida. her baby is in the bahamas. who leaves their baby in the bahamas? is it wrong to say this may be the best thing that could have happened for the baby? yes. that is a wrong thing to say. quote from the celebrity journalist: “everyone feels like they know her; we are all rocked by this tragedy; she wasn’t afraid to make a fool out of herself; really one of the most fascinating figures of recent times.” what do you mean by recent times? this afternoon? god i can’t believe i am even writing about this.

*****breaking i just don’t care anymore*****
okay she obviously had some sort of heart attack. she is definitely an addict and she probably was on methadone. and you know what? i don’t care. you shouldn’t either. WE’RE AT WAR FOR GOODNESS SAKE!!!! i bet there are about a hundred dead iraqi babies in hell who wish they could have grown up to get addicted to diet pills. but they’ll never get that chance now, will they? they will never get the chance to have their bodyguard do cpr on them at the hard rock cafe. because they are dead.

think about that. i’ve always said that meth is really bad for your health. i am going to go watch superman returns.