my ultra important thoughts on the academy awards, mainly dealing with ryan gosling's dreaminess

1. best line of the oscar’s, maybe ever: “ryan gosling, you’re so hip and now. well, i’m going to break your hip, right now.”-will ferrel, obviously.

2. there are A LOT of cute boys that used to be on the mickey mouse club. by a lot i mean justin timberlake and ryan gosling. both enough man for me. which has nothing to do with the academy awards except that ryan gosling was in the front row and on the red carpet he kept talking about rehabilitating ugandan child soldiers. and when forest whitaker beat him for best actor he stood and cheered and looked really convincingly happy. and i am in love with him.

3. here’s a standard one: why isn’t al gore president again?

4. sucks for beyonce that jennifer hudson is a better all around person than her: prettier, nicer, better voice, less of a creator of the word “bootylicious.”

5. alan arkin is cool and old and whatever but jackie earle haley REALLY should have won best supporting actor. and little children should have won best picture. but i know, it wasn’t nominated. the academy is against movies that deal with complication. and babel doesn’t count. there is a difference between complication and nonsense.

6. speaking of babel, thank god all it won was best score. gustavo santaolalla won last year for one of my all-time favorite movies with one of my all-time favorite scores, brokeback mountain and he’s freaking brilliant and he totally deserved it. too bad the movie was such a travesty though.

7. speaking of god (see 3 sentences back) what’s the deal with saying an oscar proves that god loves everyone? and is it racist to point out that the only people who can get away with this are black people? you know who believes in god? besides jennifer hudson and forest whitaker? ugandan child soldiers, for one. does god hate them? does god in fact NOT LOVE every person who ever wished for an oscar and didn’t get one? i think it’s time the uncoolness of christianity spread to the african american community. after all, it was just another way that the white man devised to keep them down. it’s time for a new era of logical thinking. god didn’t give you that oscar. luck and some talent and a mediocre hollywood movie gave you that oscar.

8. who the fuck is emily blunt and why is she at the oscar’s and where is matt damon?

9. all kinds of marginalized people are winning oscars these days: mexicans, ugly people, lesbians, the british, black people, people on drugs. but what about girls who live on 22nd street in san francisco and aren’t in movies and have no friends and no foreseeable way to become famous? we too are marginalized. most of us don’t even own a car! it’s time for the academy to cut out the bigotry and give one of us, me, an academy award.

10. there are a lot more cute boys at the oscar’s than in real life. besides ryan gosling, i saw these prospective husbands, all of whom i would also accept as fathers of my hypothetical babies: leonardo dicaprio, marky mark, the scottish guy from the last king of scotland, gael garcia bernal, diego luna, clive owen and also ryan gosling, multiple times. he is such a dream boat.

11. when is kate winslet going to win an oscar? what does she have to do? i’ll tell you: kate winslet will win an oscar when, in 2-15 years, she is in a terrible epic movie, probably about the holocaust (have you seen extras? you have to see kate winslet in extras) but if enough time passes, maybe 9/11. i’m going with 9/11. $10. let’s make 5-15 years. who wants to bet me?