last night i had a dream that i had a baby. i’ve been having dreams about having babies since i was about 4 and usually they are bad dreams. like really bad. like when you are 4, it is REALLY bad to be pregnant. by the time the horrible part stopped being that i was a pregnant toddler or would-be teen mother, my baby dreams started being about what an IRRESPONSIBLE mother i was: getting knocked up and then getting wasted or doing drugs, actually having the baby and then putting it in my school backpack for 3 days before my mom asked “where’s your baby?”
anyway, last night my dream was totally not bad at all. it was calm. i was a single mother but the father was sort of around. he was some older man and i think he was russian. but my baby was totally fine. she was a girl. the biggest issue was i couldn’t decide what to call her and i kept changing her name. but i was totally sober and i didn’t forget about what bag i’d zipped her into.
anyway, i don’t know what this means. maybe i am finally grown up enough to have a baby. or maybe this is just a reaction to becca’s baby shower blog and the fact that my best friend from south africa (who is alaskan okay) is currently super pregnant. it was weird though. i don’t think i have ever had a baby dream before that wasn’t completely awful. when i woke up i was like, wait, what just happened? shouldn’t i be crying right now or at least reevaluating my life?
maybe this means i am finally self-actualized. i should write mr. bullock, my freshman health teacher and tormentor of non-soccer players and dissenting student council members every where. i wonder if the next step is being assassinated in my prime. like the other “self-actualized people” mr. (jon) bullock told us about: gandhi, martin luther king jr, jfk, abe lincoln. or wait, because i am a woman maybe i can NEVER be self-actualized. is that right mr. bullock? (incidentally, jon bullock, pictured below, he is one of the most overrated human beings of all time.)anyway, probably a person who is still harboring a grudge from 8 years ago isn’t really self-actualized.
yah, okay you’re right. it was just a weird dream.