2 minutes/2 beers

Day 4:March 10, 2007

Stump Speech

(The KID is standing on stage with a sign around his neck that says “4 PRESIDENT”.)

KID: HelLOOOOO Freshmen!!!

I am here today to let you know why you should check off my name on that yellow slip of paper Election Day. Why you should vote me for president and why I am the man to lead you into a successful sophomore year. I’m not here to lie to you about vending machines or how totally awesome Spring Fling will be if you elect me as president. I’m not going to make claims about inclusion or my leadership ability or anything having to do with community involvement. Instead I want to talk about the issues: the real deal, the question on all of your minds. So here it is, once and for all, my official position on the only thing that you need to need in your elected representative. I will say, firmly and without one single doubt, that a blowjob is not and will never be, literally or figuratively, sex. I will never waver on this position. I will remain steadfast. You can give AND RECEIVE blowjobs and you still will not have had sex. Case closed. End of story.

A vote for me is a vote for a man who is clear on his definitions. A vote for me is a vote for you. So Freshmen, on Election Day, when you see that list with the names of the candidates in front of you, put a check next to mine. And next time some Mormon kid implies you are a slut, turn around, look her in the eye and say, “At least I am still a virgin.”