cooking with gas

this afternoon, after writing another scene for my play, doing laundry and packing up a good amount of my belongings, i decided to ride my bike to the store and make something delicious for dinner. so i did. these are the things i bought: a piece of halibut, an avocado, raspberries, orange mint water and some chocolate cake. and a lemon. and some sausage for later.

i got home and cooked the fish and made myself a salad (okay, i cut up the avocado and put some olive oil and lemon juice and salt on it) and the whole thing was ridiculously delicious. as i was eating the fish and noticing how perfectly it was seasoned and how it was moist and flaky in a very professional way, it occurred to me that i am possibly a culinary genius. after the real food, i decided to test out my theory by making some raspberry syrup for my cake. i’ve never done this and i have no idea how one might do it, but i figured, heck, i’m a genius, i should just follow my instincts.

so i melted some butter in a pan and squished up some raspberries and then added a sugar packet that had been sitting on the counter because it seemed like the thing to do.

sadly, it wasn’t. the butter was salted and the whole thing ended up tasting like a piece of toast with jam and no bread. it wasn’t good.

after that i decided better to just mash up the raspberries with the sugar and no butter and put them on my cake. which worked out much better. of course, once i was done with the cake i realized that i couldn’t just waste my hot raspberry butter and maybe i still was a genius, so i went into the kitchen and well, let me just give you the recipe for what i like to call “the healthy desert breakfast omelet”:

1/4 cup butter
1/4 cup raspberries
2 sugar packets
1 egg
1/4 oats
a little baking soda

preheat the oven to 350 degrees. melt the butter and mash up the raspberries. add the raspberries to the butter. mix in one sugar packet. stir until the mixture is smooth. let mixture cool slightly. gently beat the egg. fold in raspberries and butter. fold in oats and the second sugar packet. sprinkle with baking soda. bake for 8 minutes.


this may in fact be the worst recipe ever written. i mean, i couldn’t even find any almond flavoring! and the baking soda? well, i was baking this thing, so baking soda seemed better than the other available ingredients (peanut butter, sesame oil, curry powder, corn chips, cat food).

anyway, turns out i might not be such a great cook after all.

i think i better go throw away the healthy desert omelet before some one tries to eat it.

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