i don't hate girls, i just don't like most people

i turned in my book arts project today. or gave it to the girl who is going to turn it in for me on the 25th when it is actually due. no one else is done and i always feel like there is something a little bit wrong with me when i turn things in early. like first i am a jerk and trying to make people look bad by finishing early and second i do crap work. probably both are true on some level but whatever, i’m a finisher, a quick finisher, so they can deal with it. i’m pretty sure i am not imagining the dirt looks, though.

i’ve had a pretty bad attitude lately i think. i am only guessing because i’ve been feeling pretty much the same way i usually do, you know, everyone sucks and i wish they would leave me alone (no, not YOU!), except that people keep asking me if i am okay for no apparent reason. i must have reached the point, as happened last semester, when i am just sick of smiling at people and being cheery and fun all the time.

this is sort of an ongoing problem for me. maybe it dates back to the days in elementary school when i was a perpetual new kid and i got really good at tricking people into thinking i was cooler than i am. though back then that basically meant finding the weakest kid and making up mean songs or jokes about him or sometimes her.

which i did before i was a new kid, actually.

because i was not very nice. so maybe this dates back to my birth and not being a very nice person from the moment my cone-shaped head came out of my mom’s body. (i’ve seen pictures.)

of course, i realized at some point that after 8th grade, at least in corvallis, being really mean doesn’t make you any friends. so i learned to hide my uncompromising judgement of others through head nods and funny jokes and acting clueless. which works until i get really bored with it or too relaxed with people and my true ultra-critical self who thinks it is way smarter than basically every human being who isn’t related to me comes out.

this side of my personality is less fun. this is why i only work in the semester system. this is why i was, at one time or another, part of nearly every clique in corvallis high school and maybe one or two at crescent valley high school and one at south eugene too. this is why most of my best friends have known me since i was 8 and have since gotten over their disappointment. also why i am no longer friends with jeff haley.

i don’t know what i am trying to prove with this. i got in an argument in my fiction class on monday, a HEATED argument, about how i thought it was possible to write about yourself as a character, say in a non-fiction piece where you the writer were interviewing someone, and your experience as the interviewer became part of the piece. my feeling was, is, that you can write about reactions to the subject AS A CHARACTER IN THE PIECE without allowing the piece to seem weighted with your opinion. so your feelings about the subject could be expressed by the CHARACTER of you in the story but your voice as a writer would remain objective about the story. as if you were writing about someone else. this girl didn’t think it was possible to write yourself as a character without making that character seem infallible.

which seems insane to me seeing as all the things i write about myself make me out to be a complete lunatic. or maybe not. but still, it is possible to write yourself as a character because it is impossible to write yourself any other way.

okay. enough! you don’t care, right?

what i wanted to end with is: there are A LOT of people i like. for example my cousin who i talked to on the phone today. i wish she was my neighbor. she was our nanny back when my mom had breast cancer when i was in 4th grade. and she made that fun! okay, she made it fun for my brother and me. i’m sure it still sucked pretty hard for my mom. who is okay by the way. and another person i really like.

also there is a guy in my playwriting class named jim who is pretty cool. here is some pictures of the picture i drew of him on the chalkboard on wednesday:

he’s a crazy writer. crazy as in really freaking good. which i don’t often say about other people because i have an ego problem and also see the judgemental thing above. you should read this story he wrote. the people that published it just had a reading for him that involved people making all kinds of art in response to the story. people dressed up as characters and there was wine and even interpretive dance. it was cool. he’s sort of my idol. i don’t think his girlfriend is too excited about that.

oh well. they usually aren’t.