mine to use

i’m reading the dave eggers book what is the what. i don’t know what that has to do with anything because i didn’t read any of it today. today i woke up early up at the house where the back country rangers and the one young front country ranger live. i sleep there sometimes when circumstances call for that kind of thing. like last night when i drank beer with rangers and sat in front of bonfire and got my radio skills made fun of over and over again. apparently i suck pretty bad at the radio. tonight they wanted me to hang out again, well some of them did, because i am so fun. or so fun to make fun of. but instead i had plans to eat dinner with my parents and neighbors. i really like these neighbors. they have a daughter who i used to babysit who is 3 and perfectly hilarious. also they, the adults, are awesome, which is something that isn’t exactly normal in the streets in port angeles. but the whole time i also wanted to be with the rangers, a little bit, you know? and then just now they called to see if i would come over to where they are. 30 minutes away. and i’m tired and have to work in the morning and well, i think they are already a little drunk and i have the high school feeling where you REALLY want to do something SO BADLY but for some reason you can’t. your brother has the car. your parents won’t give you a ride. and you basically want to lay down on the ground and freak the fuck out because it is so fucking unfair. am i the only one who experiences this? because i think one of the whole things about being a grown-up, it turns out, is not freaking out when you really want to. instead you have to calmly say to yourself, i am making a good choice here. oh it’s so sad to be an adult and to gain control over freaking out. this must be considered a positive step. i don’t know. then there is that book i’m reading. not being able to go drink wine with some park rangers put up next to dead family when you are six, walking through sudan and watching your friends die everyday seems like serious good luck.

i’m tired. i’m going to bed. i make these kind of good choices almost every day.