let's call this the comeback

i’m wearing shorts today and it’s making me think, why don’t i wear shorts every day? i live in california and let’s be honest, i’m never going to be allowed back into oregon. i might as well just keep going south. i could lose like 50 pounds and move to la. or maybe, i don’t know, everyone is all about san diego, right? though i’m clearly a little bit too casual for most of california. yesterday when my roommate and i went to get ice cream, we walked down valencia street and he pointed out how uncool we both looked. i mean he said it nicer, like “we look like we’re from vermont or something.”

it was true. we looked like lazy hippies. he had on a flannel shirt, not a hip one but a sort of middle-aged-man one, and a stocking cap and some loose jeans that cost him $10 (he told me that, i’m not guessing). and even though i was wearing an obscenely expensive pair of jeans, i had just ripped a hole in the crotch and i was wearing this weird prairie-looking dress that is only cute in theory and an old sweatshirt with chewed up cuffs that has my face on it and, of course, my dolphins hat. both of us were wearing plain old shoes. i wonder sometimes if my older relatives are right and my life would be better if i dressed like an adult. but recently i have started wearing really baggy pants like it’s 1992 and you know what? i think THAT is making my life better. and you know what else? my life is really pretty good, even though i complain so much. for example: i have a very nice family and i’m healthy and not brain damaged and not the victim of genocide. i have a four day weekend EVERY WEEK. i’ve seen the mountain goats in concert three times. in the past month i’ve had at least as many really awesome things happen to me as i have had lame things happen. plus i guess i am really lucky because lame things don’t usually HAPPEN to me, i usually DO them. getting hit by a car is an obvious exception. as are hospital bills. but most of the other things that are causing me trouble lately (strained relationships with friends, uncompleted school work, ethical dilemmas, inability to cook dinner, general lack of preparedness) come down to making little-kid decisions instead of grown-up ones. which is, at least theoretically, something i can change.

maybe there is a thing about being in your mid-twenties as an american in 2007 that is sort of like being in a blender. i don’t really have anything to back that up. also last year my life was very un-blender like. i was making better decisions last year. actually i wasn’t doing anything last year. i was so overcome with embarrassment after the whole being 23 fiasco that i spent a lot of time in my room staring at the internet or on my couch staring at law and order or on my back porch, staring at the house of the stabbing victim across the street. i also went to school. i was very into art last year. i made a lot of things that nobody wanted. i made them all in my house or in the printmaking studio. this year i finally got the guts to leave the house and i got hit by a car. among other things. but i sort of think that is okay. last year was pretty boring to be honest, after awhile. i think i wanted there to be an earthquake. i’m not mixing metaphors. i literally wanted an earthquake.

i guess what i’m saying is that i’m glad to be making big mistakes again, especially because they are slightly different big mistakes than i’ve made before and i’m doing new stupid things. i still have awhile to write nonsense and draw crazy pictures and send weird stories to prestigious publications and optimistically fuck things up with everyone i know. i’m doing it optimistically at least. i have a lot more stuff i have to learn. which i think is normal.

also what i’m saying is: maybe we should all cut each other some slack so at some point some of us can do something amazing.

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