i try really hard

on my way home from juno tonight a taxi pulled up next to me and the driver rolled down his window and said, “you crazy! you crazy!” in some sort of disney movie pasta chef accent. apparently for him the new definition of crazy is signaling and then making sure you have room and riding about ten feet into a left turn lane. so i say, send me to the loony bin mister. i’m obviously out of control.

now i will talk about juno, which i just saw a sneak preview of with my friend diablo. [i’m starting a new thing where i am going to call all my friends made up gang names when i write about them in my blog. not to protect their identities but because it might make it sound like i am in a street gang. i did this when i was on the corvallis high school spirit committee at age 14 and i ended up going to winter formal with a senior named whiz kid. what is tougher than that?] anyway, if you don’t want to know my opinion on juno, STOP READING NOW.

okay.

i was pretty much underwhelmed by this movie. yeah, sorry, i know. michael cera, jason bateman, how can you go wrong, right? well there are a couple ways. first, did i miss the general convention of the american people when we got together and decided to all of a sudden be pro teen pregnancy? because i’m not sure i am down with that. sure there are cultures where teen pregnancy is awesome and important. you know, in tribal places where everyone dies at age 30. but here in america we don’t have that problem, especially not in the suburbs. diablo disagreed with me. when i rolled my eyes as the credits ended he told me i have a “heart of cold black stone.” he said he knew what i was going to say and it was going to be my old knocked up argument. and he was right! it’s irresponsible enough to make a movie glorifying adults having unprotected sex and then getting pregnant but when the protagonists are 16, it’s FUCKING irresponsible. i can’t help it! this is how i feel! having a baby is huge deal. mega huge. why do you think i waited until i was 22 to have sex?

but that is not the sole problem of poor, over-anticipated juno. the main problem is the lack of substance. the first time the title character expresses the slightest amount of distress, the movie is half over. and it isn’t about her HAVING A HUMAN BEING IN HER STOMACH, it is about the fact she isn’t sure if true love exists. (dear juno. sorry.) juno’s main response to pregnancy seems to be to get cuter and wear even more adorable clothes and make even more hip references only people my age would appreciate. (the hobbit from the goonies? you know who aren’t cool enough to know things like that? 16 year olds in 2007.) in the birth scene she is wearing the cutest stripped socks. i want those socks. but i’m pretty sure it is advisable to not wear socks while giving birth. who wants sock fuzz in your private parts? who wants baby blood on your socks?

juno quips along the whole movie, saying the greatest things, many of which are seen in the preview. she is plucky! she is quirky! she is pregnant! but there comes a point when an audience member wonders, is she really as together as she thinks she is? the answer is, as anyone who has ever been 16 will know, NO. but the movie never shows us the inherent vulnerability in being a teenager, pregnant or not. it stays cute and hip and far far away from anything subversive or interesting. in the end it reinforces all the destructive ideas a hollywood movie is supposed to reinforce, and even the presences of rainn wilson (who is only around for the exact amount of time you see him in the preview) cannot give this movie depth. instead, it exists solely as hipster fantasy of what high school would have been like if we only got fat when we were pregnant and we had all listened to the stooges instead of hootie and the blowfish.

i did get a shirt though. and a highlighter that looks like a pregnancy test. so there is that.

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