this morning, before work, i went into the student health center to have an annual exam. you know, the kind grown-up ladies are supposed to have, the kind my mom gives out all day. i don’t know why i have to do these things. i have so little sex that probably statistically one could make the case that i have NO sex. and yet i still have to deal with the bad side effects of sex: bladder infections, low self-esteem and some lady sticking weird swabs up inside my body.
it doesn’t seem fair.
first of course they had to weigh me and take my height. once i went to planned parenthood and they gave me the option of not knowing how much i weigh. i’m really down with not knowing. after i broke 100 pounds, back in middle school, i’ve sort of been over having that information. to combat the unwanted knowledge today, i kept my shoes on. and my jacket. and my jeans. actually, i wore a LOT of clothes today because it is sort of cold out. and with those clothes? let’s just say i weigh enough to play high school football. i’m probably diabetic.
even with my shoes on though, i was still only 5’5”. whatever.
then i went into the room and the doctor lady started asking me really personal questions. i mean, i know this is her job and, seriously, look at me, i reveal personal information like life is some sort of aa meeting, but when this doctor asked me if i’ve ever had an eating disorder and how much i drink per week, i felt like i was a homeless crack head at intake in the emergency room for aids. i thought once i quit smoking i would never feel guilty again in a doctor’s office. but i forgot about the other things. this woman, for example, told me that nowadays people expect to see paperwork of std tests from all their sexual partners. seriously? i mean, like i said, i’m not exactly a pro at sex but PAPERWORK? in my experience, what people expect from their sexual partners is about 20 minutes of their time. anything else is just fairy tales.
then of course came the sticking of poke-y things, which was unnecessarily painful, and then the free condoms and the offer for other types of birth control. look. like i said, on the form and when you asked me, i’m not sleeping with anyone. i have never ever been “sleeping” with anyone. people have occasionally slept in my bed, VERY occasionally, and all i ever get for it is strong desire to do laundry.
here’s what i think: from now on, it should all be related to quantity. what i mean is, i shouldn’t have to answer the question, “do you sleep with men, women, or both?” from a stranger again until i have sex at least 100 more times. that is the kind of world i want to live in. a world where things are based on facts and not just hypotheticals.
in other news: the state of oregon sent me $16.55 yesterday. thanks oregon! i’m glad to be contributing to the lack of art classes in elementary schools in sweet home! art is gay anyway! what kids need is more free time for sex, because in the future, when the rules change, they are probably going to want some medical attention.