the lights go on

today was one of those days that sort of teetered on the edge of the end of the world. i’ve been feelings sort of teeter-y lately, like completely un-trusting of myself and my reactions to things and other peoples’ reactions to me. like one second something will happen, a sideways comment or something from one of my friends or some guy on the street and i will think, “yes that is the definitive answer: i am ugly and stupid and worthless and this world is a mix of humiliation and boredom.”

and then two minutes later something else will happen and my whole world-view will shift and i will be a genius and un-defeatable and most likely the only person on earth who actually understands everything.

and then four minutes after that i will be dancing alone in an elevator, not even thinking about a single thing.

so maybe i am mentally ill. i am pretty certainly completely self-obsessed.

today this guy dan pointed out that people might think i am egotistical since i put so many pictures of myself on my blog. i said, “it’s my blog. it’s about me. who else would i put pictures of on it? i don’t have a husband or kids or any pets.” i went on like that for awhile and then after the class we ta together i forgot about the whole thing and told him this story about how i’ve noticed lately that in a lot of my stories about boys i use real names of the boys they are based on while i’m writing them but then later change the names just in case one of these rejection letters turns the other way. and i always think for a long time about a good, generic boy’s name that is unoffensive and unobtrusive. and then i said, “so without realizing it i have changed all the names of all the boys in my stories to ‘dan,’ so if someone were to read these stories they would think i had some crazy love affair with a guy named dan, even though they are all different people and i don’t even KNOW anyone named dan.”

dan just looked at me. i can’t say i disagree with his analysis.

in my teaching literature class today i had a lot of trouble putting the lid on my special english class optimistic nihilism. it’s a whole movement i have going. my main tenet is nothing is real but it is all still very interesting. i could barely contain myself when in the discussion of how literature is a cultural tool used to reinforce hierarchy, someone mentioned the subversive ideas in a lot of canonical literature. i finally remembered the right word and said, “when you read emerson in school and he is saying ‘stop reading books in school’ aren’t you really learning one of the most important parts of our culture? to accept the cognitive dissonance americans live with, most everyone lives with, every single day?” or something like that. i couldn’t stop. later a lady said she thought the truths in literature were sometimes truer than those in real life and i said, “are you sure you don’t just want them to be?”

an opinion which i happily disagreed with loudly for part of the class too. i wish i could shut up sometimes. i just really care about this stuff! everything is relevant!

remember how i am obsessed with beirut for the past day? today i was walking down the hall listening to my ipod and i ran into a guy in one of my classes. he asked me what i was listening to and i said, “beirut” because i was, i bought some of their songs on itunes yesterday, and he was like, sweet they are awesome. so i admitted i started liking them like 24 hours earlier and he said he would burn me one of their cds!

i can’t wait until tomorrow for that. i can’t stop yawning. i just ran out of dental floss.