okay so because the academy awards are tonight and i have approximately one million pages of reading to do before say 5 pm, i think the best option right now is for me to tell you who i think is going to win the awards. i plan on beating my brother at this. okay.

actor: yeah i wish viggo mortenson would win too for his overwhelming awesomeness but lets be honest, the winner is going to be daniel day-lewis, no question. next category.

supporting actor: if you know anything about me, you know that i am basically a philip seymour hoffman super fan and if given a chance i would make out with casey affleck for like ten days straight. however, this one goes to javier bardem, obviously and i’m surprised mikey that you aren’t hip to that already. though if it goes to hal holbrook i would only be mildly surprised because the academy is full of illiterate thirteen-year-old girls who are very susceptible to the adorable tears of an old man.

actress: tough one, i still haven’t seen away from her (even though it is sitting on my desk, alongside la vie en rose) but i think i am going with julie christie on this one. if for nothing else, for her youth and billy liar. i think cate blanchett will win for something more interesting later, her english accent makes it inevitable, and laura linney is too interesting to ever win, unless she does a historical picture. maybe she could play eleanor roosevelt?

supporting actress: yeah it would be nice to see ruby dee win but i think this might be cate blanchett‘s place, the supporting actress of awesomeness. also heath ledger was in i’m not there so it should win for something. i mean, this isn’t how I think, this is how i’m pretty sure the ACADEMY thinks.

best animated feature: oh man, i loved persepolis but brad bird is a spartan like me! and he is also kind of a genius. ratatouille is real art my friends, with a perfect message that is buried thinly enough (persepolis should have known better) that the academy won’t see how truly subversive it is.

okay i am skipping the technical-ish ones because i don’t know and also there are those looming one trillion pages (yes they multiply when i ignore them).

directing: tricky tricky tricky. juno is clearly out, not because it’s is stupid and bad for america but because it is too “quirky” (remember little miss sunshine? yeah, say hello to best original screen play). no also to michael clayton which i liked but is a little too genre. though that doesn’t mean i don’t think no country for old men has a chance, which is pretty genre-y too. and though i haven’t seen it, i think the diving bell and the butterfly has a really good shot. but i am picking there will be blood and paul thomas anderson. why? because it is just incomprehensible enough that people will think it must be brilliant. okay and i know one bonafide brilliant dude (ian i am referring to you) that loved this movie. and i didn’t hate it, i just thought it was missing some major connective tissue. so. it will win here. maybe.

documentary: i only saw one of these but i still think i can predict the winner: war/dance. i am basing this on a vague memory of a preview for what i think may have been this film, which led me to believe it was about the healing power of dance on a village in africa. people like this shit, especially the rich (the academy) because they can wear darfur shirts but they still don’t have to feel bad about their ability to afford health care and the never-ending mother fucking war to protect their interests, which is what the other movies are about. i mean, let’s be honest, people are so over hearing about the war.

skip a bunch of filler
i don’t really know/care about.

music: i still think it is a tragedy (hilarious use of the word “tragedy”) that eddie vedder isn’t nominated here for into the wild. what is with the nominations this year, for real? so i am going with 3:10 to yuma, the best movie of the year, because it better win for something.

original song: again, where is eddie vedder? luckily this one is obvious: once is the second best movie of the year, no matter what jessie says (and what people therefore think i said, specifically jade who keeps telling me i told her i hated once and why am i such a hypocrite?).

adapted screenplay: hilariously into the wild isn’t up here. even funnier, there will be blood is. um, has anyone even READ oil!? it is basically like nominating the life aquatic for adapted screenplay because wes anderson once read an illustrated biography of jacque cousteau. so i think i’ll put my lot in with atonement because it is so unobjectionable and i haven’t read the book and i am surprised this hasn’t been nominated more because the academy loves this type of shit (ooh skinny girl, ooh soft lighting, ooh a world war, ooh doomed romance).

original screenplay: i have no control over this messed-up world we live in. remember what i said about directing? go back an read it again. juno, with all it’s derivative ideas and whiteness and adorable costumes, will certainly win this category. (who should win? the savages, quite obviously, or ratatouille or michale clayton or lars and the real girl.)

best movie: it’s sad we’ve come to this but i’m pretty sure atonement is the only movie that meets the requisite level of mediocrity to be loved by all. sure the ending doesn’t offer much redemption but have you seen the ending of there will be blood? or no country for old men?! too dark. not nice. juno of course would be the dark horse winner here, and i think there is a possibility it’s hard core attachment to reinforcing the dominate paradigm could allow it to win. anything is possible. this is america. the more middling you are, the better your chances of overwhelming success.

don’t worry. i’ll be back when the show comes on. now. to the homework!