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okay so now i’m watching, which means you are watching too!

john stewart doing his little stand-up. could be better. but he’s being pretty political. you know how i like that.

okay they are starting with costumes. jennifer gardner needs some help with her bangs and her brain.

elizabeth. i called it. to my roommate.

george clooney is hot. though i think the writers are punishing us for something. punishing us by making everyone sound stupid.

don’t they have this retrospective every year? like how many times have i seen that matt damon/ben affleck clip? oh i haven’t seen that charlie chaplin one. he’s pretty cute.

oh man. philip seymour hoffman looks like he wants to murder anne hathoway. that would be weird.

okay first catagory i predicted: animated feature. AND CORVALLIS IS ONCE AGAIN TRIUMPHANT!!!! and so am i! yeah brad bird! ratatouille! he’s thanking his junior high guidance counselor! he went to my junior high!

it’s so freaking tacky the way they cut off the make-up people with music. lame. oh here comes the disney music. gross. at least amy adams is awesome. too bad she isn’t doing a monologue from junebug.

you know who is cute and funny? the rock. i think i could spend my life with him. he’s a little tougher than i usually like but i could deal with it. i’m glad the golden compass won something. some nice atheist propaganda. what i like to see.

ooh cate blanchett. she is the best. like my notes? very smart. i’m a very smart person.

so sweeney todd wins set decoration or something. yeah good work. i also like to see the serial killer musicals get a little attention. also the only people who should win awards are people who can’t speak english. what is this? a terrorism convention.

supporting actor: big surprise. javier bardem. yes. turns out i am 2 for 2. hmm. more terrorism. i’m pretty sure javier bardem just invoked all of spain in a war against freedom. i should really learn spanish.

what the fuck is august rush?

ooh owen wilson with the short subject, how controversial!

and another non-english speaker. french. great. we need some americans to be represented. and jerry seinfeld as a bee does NOT count.

yeah! best supporting actress! how many montages do these people have? you know what is a good movie? gone baby gone. why wasn’t that nominated more?

I CAN’T BELIEVE TILDA SWINTON WON!!! of course, she is british. okay and she was awesome in michael clayton. and she’s funny. and tough.

jessica alba is most certainly on drugs right now. also: illiterate.

okay james mcavoy is adorable and i think if the rock won’t have me, it’s all me and james.

okay i was wrong about adapted screen play. it goes to the coens. not a huge upset.

okay what is the deal with this academy voting bullshit? really? there’s a war on!

what is miley cyrus doing at the oscars? what?! she is in a terrible tv show, not a movie! however, disturbingly, she is a lot better presenter than say, jessica alba. at least her on-set tutor taught her to read. plus billy ray is a pretty tough dad i bet.

O.M.G. the french girl won best actress! what is this backlash against the french backlash? she just “you rocked my life!” oh these foreigners are so adorable. i guess i better watch that movie now. that was a big surprise i think.

ooh tuff town. it’s colin farrel and i’m pretty sure he’s drunk! no. just kidding. he’s hella sober. he just said, “i have to say i’m chuffed”! so am i! the song from once! these guys are so great! i love once!

jack nicholson is such a crack up. i think he must agree with me, really? are you going to show clips from 79 movies? all the best movies ever? so not necessary. it’s cruel really. i don’t need to be reminded that crash won anything or that shakespeare in love beat elizabeth.

this 98 year old set designer or whatever. um, he’s old. i guess the only way you get an honorary oscar as a set designer is by being 98. how cute, he calls someone “hitch”? will smith? or hitchcock?

dude this foreign film thing is a jewish conspiracy. that romanian abortion movie is the real winner. in my heart. not that it matters who wins. this whole oscars is the foreign. that’s because americans are no longer innovative or creative. too bad.

sick with all these enchanted songs. if one of them wins, we might as well turn the whole country over to china and get it over with. a cute guy singing does NOT make this music okay.

did they not nominate eddie vedder because they hate seattle? there is no good explanation for this. OH i get it. they wanted john travolta to dance.

AWESOME!! ONCE WON!!!!!

dude man. glen totally cut off his girl. luckily john stewart is a good person and he brought her back up to give an awesome thank you speech. oh i love john stewart.

oh no! the in memorium thing. i’m going to start crying when they show heath ledger. i am so gay.

seriously. it’s a fucking travesty.

another travesty: they didn’t show brad renfro even though one could make the argument that they killed brad renfro.

(unrelated: my roommate left a can with some wet cat food in it next to the sink and it is making my fabulous orange/strawberry/ginger/blackberry/blood orange juice taste like cat food. )

(another unrelated: i have to report for jury duty at 8:30 am tomorrow.)

also i’m thinking there will be blood might beat atonement for best picture. it’s winning a ton of shit. oh but there we go, atonement wins for original score. lame. clearly another non-american. whatEVER, that should have gone to 3:10 to yuma.

thank god tom hanks is giving a shout out to the troops. like they give a shit about movies. maybe it would be cool if they didn’t have to BE IN A WAR.

oh HILARIOUS. the movie that won is about same-sex marriage! how does the army feel about that? irony is so adorable.

WHAT? the war/dance movie didn’t win! i guess we still care about human rights abuses committed in our name. so that is something. i guess i’ll have to go watch taxi to the dark side. catchy name.

ahh harrison ford to present. when i was in middle school i wrote him a love letter. so here is the juno category. oh don’t look surprised ellen page. this was so completely called by anyone who has ever seen the academy awards ever. give me a break. maybe to be a better writer i should become a stripper.

hot. best actor. daniel day-lewis and johnny depp definitely play for the same team. team 90s hotness is still working for me. viggo mortenson sort of belongs too.

yeah. big upset. daniel day-lewis won this oscar like a year ago when i saw the preview.

well i was wrong-ish about best director. i guess this means no country for old men might win best picture. i could get behind that. since margot at the wedding wasn’t nominated. or once. or 3:10 to yuma.

yep. there we go. best picture: no country for old men. clearly this is just a make-up award for the big lebowski.

okay. the producer is gay and he just thanked his partner. highlight of the whole thing. so hot. i love gayness.

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