i'm ready for my close-up today

in case you didn’t know, jury selection is basically like an uncut episode of singled out with the defense attorney a severe brunette jenny mccarthy whose witty rejoinders to the prosecutor from the district attorney’s office (chris hardwick with glasses and hair gel) consist mainly of eye rolls when he says, “objection your honor! indoctrination!” and inaudible murmurs to the bachelor, a vaguely italian looking man accused of assault and vandalism, roughly six months ago at the intersection of 24th and capp, on the body and property of a man who does not speak english.

i don’t know who the judge represents. some unseen producer? god?

as you can tell by my disclosure of important details of the case, prospective juror number six was thanked for her service but excused this afternoon. maybe it was my keen powers of deduction, like for example, i am deducing that the alleged crime took place at 24th and capp because the prosecutor asked me if i knew where that intersection was and i laughed said i walked through it every day. or maybe it was because i laughed said i walked through it every day. or maybe it was my purple sweatshirt, a clear indicator of criminal sympathies (you know, “purple” is a slang word for drugs now and that is true). but my main theory is that the prosecutor is worried that when we start seriously dating, like tomorrow, it will adversely affect my objectivity.

he is so wrong. i am a very objective person.

anyway, next year if i get called i’ll find a pantsuit and do my hair in a bun and wear lipstick and say i work for a corporate ad agency and my uncle is a cop but i won’t let that influence my view of cops.

that is a direct quote from an email i wrote about ten minutes ago. i am too tired to do anything but plagiarize myself. that’s what service to your country can do. seriously though, the district attorney dismissed me like second. before the girl with an fbi agent dad, before the straight up crazy woman, missing teeth, before the attorney. he loves me, that’s all i can figure. i have finally found true love.