hair removal

since returning from winter vacation a couple months ago, i have been attempting, when i think of it, to find some reasonable form of hair removal that is cheap and doesn’t require me to leave the neighborhood. i personally think that we lived in a very strange place and time in history where it is expected that women will remove the hair on their legs and in their armpits if they want people to value them, but since i have had it drilled into my head since before i could understand english that if i ever wanted anyone to love me, i better have smooth baby legs (this being the root of unconditional parental love: hairless baby legs), i often fall prey to the socially constructed desire to get rid of the hair on my body.

if you don’t know me: i have a LOT of hair.

when i was younger, and now when i can afford it and have the time, i get my legs professionally waxed. it’s basically the only way to get the job done. but in the last months i have made several solo attempts.

1) i bought razors and decided i would shave my legs again, something i haven’t really ever done regularly except maybe when i was life guarding at the outdoor pool in corvallis. the first time: not so bad. it took about forty-five minutes because of the carpet on my legs but afterwards it looked pretty great. for approximately thirty seconds. then my horrified and cold legs sent a message to my brain which was “return the hair immediately.” two days later i shaved again, because this is what you have to do when you have black poky stubble catching on your pant legs, and it was a blood bath. both of my legs were dripping red life force from many varied locations between my knees and ankles. i waited awhile, tried to wash them off, and ended up with blood stains on my jeans. because there was so much blood, it soaked through. like an hour later. instead of man-catching smooth skin, i had repulsive scabs all over my shins. grade: f. worst ever. i cannot believe people do this to themselves everyday.

2) so i decided to try a depilatory. i, like most people, do not believe commercials and i was pretty sure that nair and nair-like products were an hilarious lie. but i bought one anyway, called veet, and tried it out in the shower of the gym. which is gross. i know. it sort of worked too, if you ignore the burning smell and the cancer i have surely given myself. it was very strange, VERY strange, to wipe a rough sponge over my legs and have the hair come off. of course, i am basically blind so the hair ended up all patchy and weird looking. and it grew back pretty quickly. and i put the tube of hair destroyer in the cupboard to never be used again because it is so terrifying. grade: c- for effectiveness. f for inevitable cancer.

3) tonight i attempted to wax my own legs. i did this once before in south africa and ended up with real live boils all over my legs. a valuable lesson to any exchange student: just because you are on the same planet as you were before, don’t expect anything to function the way you think it should. but tonight the cat box was removed from the bathroom with the tub so i figured, why the heck not? it’s getting warmer and i want to wear shorts. okay. first of all there were not nearly enough strips with which to rip the hair from my skin. second of all, it was a disastrous mess. but it didn’t hurt. and it will probably last awhile. at least the patches that have been removed. because there are still patches of hair all over my legs. so. still not girlfriend material. still unable to get rid of my own hair like a real woman. grade: i don’t know, c+?

anyway, when i get around to it i guess i need to find a nearby waxer. goddammit. i’m going to go eat my burrito.