but you knew the capitol of vermont!

hey i know this is old but look, tina fey totally agrees with me about hillary clinton. awesome.

tonight? funny/sexy/sad! what are you doing sitting around? it’s starts in 2 hours!

(it just occurred to me that my support of hillary has seriously morphed in the past few months, basically because writing about it has forced me to pick a position. i went from being unsure about anything to being pretty emotionally attached to the idea of her being president, without watching much tv or reading the paper. maybe i think there has been a change in the people i want to respect me for who i vote for, at least in their proximity to me. maybe i was always a big hillary fan, highly possible, i have always been indignant for her [for myself really: treatment that i receive on a small scale she seems to get on a huge scale] and really impressed by her unapologetic intelligence, but i have to admit to myself, now that i am mainly hanging out with girls, that i am easily influenced by male sorts of people. like my dad is not into clinton and i think of him as THE WORLD’S SMARTEST HUMAN BEING [he isn’t into obama either, just to be clear, though he is obviously a democrat] and so i wouldn’t want him to think i am somehow silly and naive for liking hillary. when i write something like that, it becomes obvious to me and probably anyone who knows my dad that he would never thinking of me as silly or naive for coming up with my own idea about something. but there are plenty boys i have spent time with in the past that i really wanted to think of me as smart–this being the main thing i have going for me, and a weird brain problem on my part is that after years of evidence to the contrary i still think some boys find intelligence attractive–so i have often subverted my own real intelligence to act like i am totally down with their opinions on things [except in some cases when it is somehow cute to disagree]. so maybe this points not to my belief that boys think it’s cool to be smart but to my deeper awareness that boys like to have their intelligence confirmed and they are more than happy to think of me as smart-ish if it means they are smart-ish too and i am not threateningly smarter. when i realize i am doing something like this, manifested maybe a couple months ago in my on-the-fence stance towards hillary, back when i had a male friend i hung out with pretty consistently, i try to stop myself and think about how i really feel versus the feelings i am subconsciously creating to fulfill some imagined expectation of some dude. this is easier when there are no boys around because no matter how awesome they are or open-minded, i am always trying somehow to impress them. and yes, this is a long parenthetical but something that is on my mind lately because this primary, as it is now being read alongside this book my mom sent me, the gift of fear [about dealing with different kinds of violence], and an on-going discussion of race in my teaching class, has sort of hyped up my sensitivity to the zillion ways inequality still exists in our society and the complete terror everyone has of talking about it and implicating themselves. the issue shouldn’t be why did these institutionalized, quiet, lethal forms of racism and sexism and classism started but it should be why can’t we talk about them? why can’t we get over our fear of the reactions of these unknown other people [girls, boys, poor people, rich people, black people, white people] enough to put it out in the open that we are severely short on information? that we need to drastically change the way we work together? a lot of this stuff is straight disappointing, like there is no way we can ever talk to each other and understand each other because we are too different and too much guilt and fear and history is at stake. but i don’t want to buy that. i, for example, really like boys and all kinds of people who are richer and poorer and differently skin colored than me. and i want it to be possible to have equitable relationships with them. but i think it’s going to take a lot of introspection on all our parts. it’s going to mean we have to not die of being offended and we have to believe that other people aren’t going to die of it either. which is kind of hard to believe when you think about how in my lifetime we have all become so terrified of words that one wrong one can destroy a career and one wrong one at the right time can be a two hour comedy show. anyway, that is where i am going. now i have to leave for funny/sexy/sad where we will be breaking down gender stereotypes and building bridges. or at least laughing a lot and drinking beer. below is me. the caption should read “damn, i was going for thoughtful.” every caption should read that.)

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