we quit

if you want to know the truth i am sort of a disaster right now. being 26 is turning out to be blowing my mind. being 26 is turning out to be hella scary.

first, i had a birthday party. well, a joint birthday party because pete is just 6 days older than me and also my roommate and also my friend and so it was a party for both of us. the party was fun but one of pete’s friends brought us birthday forties and so my first night and early morning of being 26 turned out to be a little sloppier than was strictly necessary. i made some decisions that could have been not made. but that was okay. i had a good time really. so it started off like that, a mixed bag of hang over, giggling and well, it happens to the best of us.

then i had a week of school in which i was sort of feeling crazy. sometimes i have been known to do things when i am drunk that make me feel crazy. this is why i avoid getting drunk these days as much as possible. i get looks the next day. from people on the street and from me in the mirror. i am reminded that i am really only a short step away from full-blown out of control. like other people get drunk and they get quiet or stay normal. not me. i always do something ridiculous. some people thinks this makes me fun. some people think this makes me scary. i think this makes me not want to drink too much.

then this weekend my parents came into town. that was nice because i love my parents. the crazy feeling began to wear off. i saw religilious and talked about politics and rode the cable car and ate at the beach chalet. then on saturday night i went with pete and a friend of his to a barack obama fundraiser. we got there and the keg was tapped so i went up to the kitchen where the hard alcohol was to make us a drink. let me say right now that it was late and i was planning on going to bed very shortly. we were near home. i wanted to have one drink, dance a little and then go to bed so i could get up the next day to go visit my uncle in sonoma. instead what happened was the drink i made contained everclear. i did not know this until a few days later, but everclear is not vodka. actually it is 190 proof grain alcohol which is meaningless to me because i never pay attention to details. this turns out to be a problem. somehow, after probably 5 to 10 sips of this beverage i had concocted, i went from stone cold sober to the drunkest i have ever been in my whole life. in discussions with smarter people i have been told that there is no way my body could even puke up the stuff because there is so little of it. i have been told i am lucky i didn’t get sent to the hospital. i’m lucky i didn’t die. what happened next is i was blacked out for 5 hours. i woke up in the morning with absolutely no idea what had happened; i thought maybe i was drugged or something. i went with my dad to sonoma but slept mainly the whole time. i didn’t even feel hungover. just tired and very confused.

now the only memory i have is becoming conscious in the living room and thinking: i am naked, i should put some clothes on. there were two other people with me in the living room and possibly, in my memory, they were staring at me like i was a crazy person. it was 6 in the morning.

do not drink everclear.

it is not vodka.

thinking about the whole thing (because what else can i possibly do?) it is maybe the most terrifying thing that has ever happened to me in my life. maybe this means i have led a very safe life. and ultimately i was really freaking lucky that pete was around. because of him i didn’t end up in jail or raped or murdered or just dead like a teenager in idaho.

usually when i get drunk and do destructive things (it doesn’t happen very often, especially not in the last couple of years, but it has happened) i have clear place to put the blame: me. for some reason this incident is more disturbing. 1) because i acted (according to reports) in such an outlandish, mean, scary, crazy, fucked up way. much worse than anything ever before. 10 times worse even than the firework incident of 2001. and 2) because it was completely unintentional. i was expecting to drink a vodka cocktail and go home. instead of gave myself alcohol poisoning at a barack obama fundraiser and scared even a cab driver.

but i still feel guilty about it. and strange. some of the things i did and some of the things i said to pete, are things that don’t even seem real to me. like they are so shocking that i don’t even think them. too shocking to write about. and i like to shock people. they seem like things that came from someone else, things a crack whore would scream at an invisible attacker on 16th street and mission. i guess part of the scary thing is, even if the intense near-death inebriation wasn’t my fault, maybe there is some part of me it exposed. i’ve never subscribed to the theory that you do things you don’t want to do when you are drunk. on meth, yes. crack, of course. alcohol just reduces inhibitions and judgement. it unwraps the society part of you. maybe last weekend i was so unwrapped i was just me. and what if just me is a mean, crazy person? that’s fucking disturbing. i like to figure out why we act the way we act. i like to understand the ways we are constructed. but i don’t want to be a cave person. i want to be a human. i want to love people and have people love me.

i skipped school today. i went to work but not class. i am so far behind in my comp class that i couldn’t go. i am putting funny/sexy/sad on hiatus. saturday is my last day at the pool.

i need to think about all this. what is happening? what happened? does this define me now? knowing these things about myself, how do i move forward without getting a warning label tattooed on my head?

the other thing is that maybe getting taken down to the bottom is an okay thing. not that i would recommend it. never. but hearing second hand about the way i was when i was so drunk that i probably should have been in the er, and even though i don’t remember it, sort of knowing how i was, maybe that makes me a person closer to understanding what it means to be a person. maybe everyone is capable of destruction and evil. i like to say that but i have never thought that it included me. but maybe it does. if i know that i have that capacity, maybe i can deal with it better and understand it better in other people.

the final thing is that pe
te
turns out to be the best person i know. i had my suspicions but now i am pretty sure. now pete knows everything, totally everything possible about me. more than i know. and he hasn’t moved out. he still sits on the pink couch and i still sit on the purple couch and we still talk about sarah palin. which is amazing really. at least to me.

oh there is one last last thing. to the people who thought it was reasonable to put everclear out with the vodka and gin and whiskey at a barack obama fundraiser: you guys should be in jail. that is criminally irresponsible. please never ever do that again.

listen to funny sexy sad tonight at piratecatradio.com, 8 pm pst. it could be your last chance. and don’t worry, i’m pretty sure i’ll be okay.

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