home invasion

below is a report on a project i am doing for school. the project is: i am going to go hunting. maybe. hopefully. read on:

so i know it is too early to post what i am doing next week and i really am not sure what i am doing next week anyway, maybe going to the lake merced shooting range and trying to convince old men to take me shooting, who knows. what i have to tell you is what happened to me yesterday.

so i was planning on going camping and shooting with my roommate and his new gun but we decided that neither of us are really expert enough to go just the two of us. i decided instead i should learn how to shoot a shotgun from a professional. that seems reasonable, right? know how to handle the deadly weapon i am planning on using to kill an animal?

so i found this dude on the internet who had a legit enough looking business and would pick me up at the millbrae bart station. i gave my roommate the phone number and address just in case he was a murderer. and at 9 am yesterday he drove up in a green jeep with a “bay area dive shop” magnet on the side.

this is a long story. the class (“class”?) was supposed to go from 9 to 3 but scott the instructor didn’t drop me off (with an open tecate between his knees) at the millbrae bart station until just after 6. scott, it turns out, is not a hunter. instead he is, according to him, my only real source, a master scuba diver, private investigator, weapons expert, international private contractor, “mercenary,” born-again christian, terrorism and home invasion professional. he mainly scoffed when i told him i was interested in learning how to handle a shotgun for hunting purposes. “home invasion,” he said, “what are you going to do when you come home and your roommate is lying stabbed and bleeding on the floor? you’re going to get his gun and shoot the bad guy, that’s what you’re going to do.” (all dialog is approximate. this guy was clearly packing heat and i don’t think he would have taken kindly to me scribbling notes. too much like terrorist behavior.)

basically, i found an internet portal to the bay area version of the idaho militia guys. before 10 am i found out that a) obama is a muslim b) he wasn’t born in america and that will come out very soon c) he wants to take away all guns from everyone and d) (and this is a direct quote) “if he gets elected, someone is going to take him out.”

a few minutes later scott followed up with “if i could i would put a bullet through gavin newsom’s head.”

oh let me describe scott, of team america world police: about my height, at the most an inch taller. i’m 5’5″ on a good day. mustache and drooping jowls. wearing a brown t-shirt that seemed normal until you saw the back which had a picture of sniper and the words “615 grains (something like that) of diplomacy”. he was wearing flip flops and he had long toenails. he was on his blue tooth all day, non stop. i can’t be sure, but it seems likely that at least 40% of his phone calls were fictitious.

probably so were 40% (to 80%?) of his stories.

maybe not though. he could be surveilling me right now. in fact he probably is. this message is for scott: turns out i’m a liberal, dude. i would think you would have spotted that pretty quickly. i showed up with blue eyeliner on. i don’t have a car.

my class: me and a husband and wife duo from oakland who had 3 guns, one for each floor of their home, which they had bought “after they saw what happened after katrina” two years ago but weren’t sure how to shoot. home invasion training. to be fair, the woman identified herself as a liberal and said obama probably isn’t a muslim. they had an obama/biden sticker on their truck even. which makes me think obama has a chance if he has convinced “liberals” with three remingtons and “the only white maid in all of oakland” to vote for him. i guess bush has created a lot of these types of liberals.


okay so gosh this is getting long. let me give you some highlights:
1. learning how to rapid load a shotgun in case of particularly quick home invasion.
2. having to drive scott’s car to and from the indoor shooting range (militia training camp?) in santa clara because scott was too messed up on some sort of anti-vertigo medicine to drive.
3. shooting at human-shaped targets. i think this is illegal?
4. learning about the imminent terrorist threat. anytime my friends. al qaeda has picked san francisco. they have suitcase nukes. they just don’t have the detonators yet.
5. the german french guy posing as someone interested in scuba classes. as if! scott’s calling the fbi. clearly a terrorist.

anyway. that was my adventure. a pretty big tangent from hunting but you should see how hot i look when i load a gun! hot.

i bought some snap caps, fake rounds, and my roommate and i are practicing loading and unloading his 20 gauge remington in the living room with the blinds drawn.

and that’s the story. until next week. xoxo