i think i am trying to try to be in the present moment but it is hard. for one thing, I AM STILL SICK. yeah okay it’s only been like 4 days and two members of my family have recently had shingles for over a month but give me a break. i’m bored of this. i want to ride my bike across the bridge. or at the very least go running. but i can’t. because i want to get better faster. i know how badly these things can go if you don’t rest. for a good example of this see soccer season 1999 when i was the jv team captain and refused to sit out for even one single minute of one single game and as a result had bronchitis for approx 3 months.
i do not want bronchitis. especially not for 3 months. i have shit to do and very little health insurance.
which brings me to this question: though i am not yet at the hacking cough stage, i feel that it might be coming on. would it be ethical to hit up the health center for codeine cough syrup now? before it happens? codeine cough syrup could really enhance my life. in general and especially if i start coughing.
in my compulsive communication via the internet i have been facebook statusing re:my paper and how my teacher is going to hate it. funnily enough a lot of non school friends have commented telling me to suck it up and just write a paper that my teacher will like even though i won’t like it. one old family friend even implied that writing a paper for myself was, and this is a quote, “called masturbation”. (i would like to point out the gentleman who wrote that on my facebook wall is a friend of my PARENTS.) two things about all that: 1. at this point my main goal is to just finish the paper. i think finishing and following the basic requirements, and they are basic, should get me a b. if not, then i will get a c i guess. which has really never ever happened to me so why not? and 2. i think this motivational problem might stem from my inability to delay pleasure, something i was reading about in the new yorker this week. i am impatient and apparently this has fucked my whole life. i probably would be at yale law school right now (do they have a law school?) if i wasn’t so god damned able to convince myself to SEIZE THE MOMENT BECAUSE IT MAY BE THE LAST ONE AVAILABLE and eat cup cakes or ride my bike or play scrabble online or skateboard to the embarcadero instead of researching and writing papers in an intelligent and thorough way. though i have one small problem with the idea that pleasure delayers of this type have better lives. so what if i was driven to work hard so one day i could be a huge, thin, wealthy success? those people work like all fucking day. they aren’t that happy. their kids hate them. they aren’t late for a book arts meeting.
whatever. i’m pretty glad i am who i am. if i was a lawyer who knows what would happen. if i were rich i would just buy an island.
holy shit pete come back from mexico. the pilot light on the water heater is out again and i am beginning to mutter to myself in the kitchen.