thusa!

[according to a sesotho phrase list, “thusa!” means “help!”. i never learned that one. however, i do remember, “who are you?” so that’s something.]

me right now, millionth cup of tea:


i feel like i had a pretty productive day. i talked to someone on the phone about my roth ira situation (that being: i want to start one). i figured out i need to enroll in one more credit if i want to receive financial aid (which includes my grant so YES, that needs to happen, because i do not need to pay a lot extra for three credits when i could pay much less for four). i sent off graduation materials to my advisor. solved problem from sentence two above (tentatively). did yoga. worked on africa writing. also sent africa writing to adviser. bought a lot of bulk tea (see above picture). cleaned my room. was home when ups came with my new phone. there was that brief or longer than brief lapse into knitting, napping, eating chocolate and watching it’s always funny in philadelphia but that show is really weird and really funny and sort of like art and plus it was afternoon.

then i decided to tackle africa some more, which is by the way very difficult. sometimes it just flows and sometimes i am like, why am i doing this at all? is this stupid? am i stupid? do i even exist? also, why not just make a collage? if i did, it would include:


this is a classic journal page, from april 22, 2000. part of the entry is from flying from sa to new york, part from new york to la. i like the picture, even though i look very very pig-like. i’ve been talking via email to the other pictured person, sabree, my main friend while i was in africa, a lot lately and i think this is a good example of my youthful sabree-love. it was very complete. she was one major thing that kept me alive that year.

of course, in my dithering around, i do “research”, looking for terms that i remember but have no idea how to spell. names, ethnic slurs, that sort of thing. and this evening i found my host sisters on facebook. very disturbing. it’s weird how close africa and the us are today, much closer than they were 10 years ago. i mean, i thought i would never see those girls again, except in my pictures and my mind. it’s strange to think that the experience sabree and i had could basically never be replicated. we would be skyping with our parents now, instead of calling them on pay phones and occasionally emailing them from internet cafes. we would be status updating on facebook. there wouldn’t be that mystery. or the letters! in my journal i have all these notes and letters people sent me, which were objects i basically worshiped. photo collages. birthday notes. those THINGS that people i missed had TOUCHED. would we be so homesick? weird. there is something more lonely about now than then. even though i was destroyed by homesickness. i mean, flattened. after all i was 16 and from corvallis, oregon and away from home in AFRICA for crying out loud. but the connection i had with people back home was so physical. i feel like sometimes with all this blogging and status updating and twittering that my connection to people is a lot more tenuous. i speak with way less people, face to face, on a regular basis. i guess that is a function of growing up, working in a cubicle, writing, being in a relationship. i don’t know. but i feel like a lot of people, me included in some ways but especially teenagers, are so removed from their real worlds that it might not even matter if they moved countries for a year. i mean, they might as well, if most of their interactions are virtual anyway.

it keeps coming back to this, my computer addiction. it might be my real dream to have no ambition, not be a writer, just live in the woods, have babies, grow and cook food. ride my bike. surf. paint walls.

i also like to make things. i think the knitting is good for that. though i want to go bigger and faster. large scale animals. that’s what pete is working on. i wish i was in art school sometimes. though i guess i am but the art is different and i am almost done.

shit. pete’s home and i said i would make dinner and i didn’t. well, maybe i shouldn’t move into the woods just yet.

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