first day of summer

let me tell you: breaking up with someone you live with, who you love, is like actually number one the worst. but if there is a side bonus, because there has to be or else we’d all just curl up and die, it is that i get to know about about the people who care about me and love me. for example, the dudes in my building who were so nice when i just started crying a few minutes ago. or jessie and bobby, who let me spend the weekend watching tv with them in berkeley and do my laundry and positived the shit out of me, even though jessie just had surgery on her knee. or the people at work who have taken me out, bought me gum, bought me flowers. my family, who won’t leave me alone with their full-on love (thank god).

i realize that i thought i would just be cool with this whole thing, that i would be like “hey, what happens, happens” but actually i am totally lonely and totally scared. i thought thursday after he left i would just be like, “okay, now time to get shit done!” but it’s taking longer. i still can’t leave my room when i am home. i still can’t pay bills or cook food.

i guess this is how you practice for people you love dying. i guess it is okay and reasonable to take some time be just severely sad. i think what i need to do is just be slow with it and not expect myself to be okay right away because this is trauma, right? this is a big fucking deal.

baby steps. i am going over to marisa’s to watch the bachelorette tonight and i haven’t yet sunk into a drunken tailspin or anything that i might have done when i was 23. i haven’t ridden my bike anywhere in the middle of the night, like i might have done when i was 18.

i also haven’t exercised or taken care of my body that well. but i did start brushing my teeth again. another plus side: this is all my story again so i can put whatever i want on the internet.

anyway, thanks for being so nice to me, no matter how inappropriate i am being. this sucks. but in like a year it will be so far away i will think, “why didn’t i leave my bedroom? there was important stuff to do.” and that will be a nice thing to think.

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