black or white

i keep covering the left side of my face because, if you must know, it looks like some kind of war zone. i’m thinking of investing in a new camera when i am in the land-of-no-sales-tax so i can make this blog a LITTLE less centered around weird pictures of my weird face. it needs pictures though, okay? and i don’t have a working camera or any other people who want their face on my blog all the time. so. next week. purchase camera with money i do not have. then: do not destroy camera, as i did two years ago LAST time i spent any time in oregon.

i should change the name of this blog to “baby steps”.

sometimes i am convinced that all emotions are chemical. or that i have a “feelings” disorder. my family has completely nixed the bipolar idea and so i am coming up with new theories like that: “feelings” disorder.

for some reason i just started looking at old blog entries, old from a year ago, and have come to these conclusions: last year i was cuter, skinnier, happier and more mentally stimulated. this year though i have a book coming out, i am back in a more reality-based world, i have two retirement accounts and when i go on furlough next week, i’m getting paid. so hello being 27, it’s time to grow the fuck up. and also: i’m not a complete failure, conventionally or otherwise.

okay, i know i was a little tormented back then too. and these last couple of months have been intense. bad things, semi-bad things, things i don’t like happening. but i am sort of in control of my life right now, weirdly. the one problem is a missing boy but certain things you can’t control. by you i mean me. i can’t convince someone who doesn’t want to be convinced. it’s like laying your logic down on a right-to-lifer. they don’t give a fuck. at least this time i am not up against the bible. i’ve been up against the bible. which sucks. but brains and ideas are hard to go up against too.

is my problem that in my head i set this relationship up as a fight i need to win? INteresting. possibility.

ANyway, i am going back to the michael jackson movie. i am so curious about that dude. he is like a lovable but tormented alien who you feel bad saying the word “fuck” around.

and on and on and on and on…