i can’t sleep. i don’t know why. i was so tired earlier. i think it is a mix of not going to bed last night until like 5 am and the over-stimulation and awesomeness of seeing so many people i love mixed with the bullshit i am going through on the no-longer-in-a-relationship status situation.
i am thinking very seriously of taking the train up to washington to stay with my parents for a few days. would that make me a complete wuss? probably. but i could use some nice parental love right now seeing as it sort of feels like my internal organs have been removed by a pack of wild dogs.
i came up with a plan just now which is: get a therapist. so many people have therapists and clearly i am doing something massively wrong to be feeling so completely worthless, especially when i am surrounded by friends. i hate these feelings. like all this stuff i believed in was a total lie. sucky fucking feelings. but at least i have a cool cousin here and a brother and his girlfriend and a bunch of friends. and my parents are north and i really think i will go to where they are tomorrow. fourth of july used to be my favorite holiday but it seems useless right now.
blah. blah blah blah. i am going to watch some law and order now on my computer and try to fall asleep to the wackiness of good guys winning and bad guys going to jail. possible life ideas: go full buddhist monk, return to africa, paint my bedroom walls, a bonfire, a craigslist free ad for a queen sized mattress and a ground cloth, outward bound, internet dating and moving to a farm and getting a flock of sheep and tending to them.
okay. happy birthday america. goodnight.