rainy rainy rainy


so i wussed out of portland and voted myself home to my parents’ house. i loved seeing all my friends and my bro and my cousin but in portland i just get this distinct feeling of being 22 which was sucky and so i am trying to get back into a better frame of mind. like the being 18 frame of mind when i used to have issues with the boy i was in love with and i would take the train from seattle home to oregon. this is the reverse trip. and i am kidding, i don’t want to go back to being 18 and depressed and taking 3 years to get over it. or however many it was by the time i was in san francisco, being healthy, living my life. oh wait, that was like a year ago. shit.

anyway, i think i will watch law and order and wait for my ferry and just be glad i have a family and there is a bed with my name on it and the kitty we got in fourth grade is there, probably being weird, and then maybe i can get back into a nice 10 year old frame of mind. okay so when i was 10 my mom got cancer. but i was so care-free! maybe i need my cousin to come be my nanny again. regression therapy. get back to writing strange stories, riding my bike around the neighborhood, low-level inter-girl drama. hating boys.

i was still kind of cute in fourth grade. i guess it really went downhill in fifth. it was a haircut problem.

i’m tired. i can’t wait to go to bed tonight. maybe take a bath. i am going to figure out a reasonable mourning period tomorrow and set myself a schedule to get over it. i know there are people who know what love is but i won’t find them if i stay in the depths of despair. would reading anne of green gables help? the peace corps?

omg. is anyone even listening anymore? i would respect you if you weren’t. i think i am at the journaling period right now. but i like putting things out in the universe too. this is real life people. book i won’t reread: emily of new moon. that girl spends years waiting for her true love to return. mine picked another subject. no waiting allowed for me. i’m getting a new tattoo instead.

happy fourth of july!

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