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i guess port angeles isn’t really my home since my parents moved here well after i graduated from high school and the longest i’ve lived here was about three months a couple summers ago when i was a range ranger taking fees for the government. but now that the first place i ever lived without my family has been stripped of its home quality, at least temporarily, pa and my parents’ house is the closest thing there is. plus it has my parents and even though i know i will be 28 in a few months there really aren’t people i like more than them. they are nice to be around in fun times but also nice to be around when i am like this extended funeral of sadness and a law and order watching machine. they don’t judge. they do give me books to read which i will read, maybe i should read now, about dealing with sadness.

i guess what has restarted the super-sad is a) i decided we couldn’t talk anymore which is sort of pathetic and moot since mainly i was the one talking anyway and b) everywhere i go is somewhere that has NICE memories of the main problem. by the time i get home from this trip it will have been a month since the tragic move-out. if i was at home i would be getting my routine back together. already i have moved into the rest of the house, changed my sheets, done laundry, went grocery shopping. fourth of july is a temporary set back.

is it inappropriate to have a funeral for someone who isn’t dead? like a missing in action situation? i think i was convincing myself this whole thing wasn’t over and i guess in a way i still feel like that because how can a person you love who also loves you just disappear from your life except for war or dying? i watched the messenger last night with my parents and it just solidified this feeling that sometimes people lose other people in these tragic horrible fucking ways. this happens with wars and it happens with anytime someone you love dies and it is sad and afterwards there is a hole in your life that takes a long time to close up and probably never does. so why would you ever elect for this human-removal procedure? i can only assume you would if the other person wasn’t someone you love but more like a disease. ergo, i either love a crazy person or i am a disease.

awesome how i said i wasn’t going to write about this but now that is all i am doing. for some reason i tried to post a comment from yesterday and i don’t think it worked so: thanks dogimo. you are the best even though i don’t know you.

back to law and order. the end.

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