go west

today i had a minor/major freak attack when i though i had lost my skateboard at lunch.  i didn’t remember having it at work and i thought i had left it outside my front door for a second while i went to obsessively compulsively go check on the stove and the back door (my parents’ house was BROKEN INTO the other night so guess how high my level of crazy is now?).  i figured i forgot it outside and then some smart kid grabbed it.  i would have called my dad sobbing but he was away from his desk.  i could barely breathe.  seriously, i am almost 28 and i would absolutely call my dad crying because i lost a skateboard.  at this juncture, it is totally reasonable for you to tell me to grow up.

anyway, it was under my desk the whole time.  i didn’t remember skating to work because i didn’t because i was wearing my slippery shoes.  i just took it so i could change shoes later and skate to yoga.  which is what i did.

i would lead a very sad sad life without my skateboard.  i bought it with some christmas money that i received sometime in college.  my sophomore year?  i wanted a skateboard for christmas and my parents told me no because i would break my neck.  then they gave me money and said “do not buy a skateboard”.  we were in eugene for the holiday so it must have been several months before my grandpa died.  i went out on boxing day when everything opened back up and bought my skateboard.  luckily my parents mean what they say but also respect that i will not always do it.  in fact, i am sure they knew i would buy the skateboard since it is all i wanted in the world.  i had had one for a little while, given to me by my ex-high school boyfriend who i was being enemy-friends with.  i had some issues with still being in love with him and him having a girlfriend.  we got in a very dramatic fight over the skateboard when he wanted it back that ended in him throwing it over a fence, me climbing over the fence and ripping my favorite dress and a lot of tears and sublimated feelings.  so i needed my own skateboard.

i feel like i am learning a little.  or i have grown-up some since i was 20.  i recently told pete that i can’t talk to him at all.  no being friends.  because that skateboard incident was the least of it.  that was just one tiny pinpoint in three years of heartbreak and self-loathing.  i like pete a lot and it makes me sad to think he might never be in my life again.  but i like myself too and in three years i will be 30, almost 31! and i don’t have time to squander like i did when i was wrestling over skateboards in oregon.  i’ll admit for a second when i thought the board was gone forever i thought about emailing pete to see if i could have one of his boards.  but there it was, under the desk, banging up against my computer tower, the perfect footrest.  and i think i am aware enough now of the consequences of my actions.  pete would have given me a skateboard probably, and then would have wanted it back and i would have had to watch a new girlfriend sit on his lap at a party and i would have had to get really drunk and do inappropriate things.  i guess i am glad for the past.  it sucked then.  it sucks now.  but at least it always sucks in different ways.

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