experiences we didn't know we were having

so i got the new mattress and all i want is my old mattress back.  it is like a warm inviting cave.  this new mattress has a small carbon footprint but is also sort of crinkly and bumpy.  they won’t let me return it for 30 days though so maybe it will grow on me.  in 30 days i will be 28.  jesus.  i will HAVE BEEN 28.  oh god.

jade and jessie and i got poolside in calistoga last weekend.  jade and i even got mud baths.  naked.  it was weird and squishy and i almost had a heat stroke heart attack.  on the way back we stopped at an amazing burger place in st. helena and then we listened to a song by band of horses and jade was like, “man it was so awesome when they played this song.  even though they were just OPENING for the xxx [band who’s name i forgot who had a trumpet player that was friends with our friend], we all just stopped and were like whhhhattt?”

so i thought for a second and i was like, “wait, was that at the doug fir?” and jade and jessie were like, yes, yes you were there.

i believe on that night i fell asleep in the doug fir bathroom.  it was very sparkly and golden.  i only vaguely remember the show but the song was sort of familiar.  i am not proud.  i was 23 or 24.  i thought those were hard years.  they were just stupid years.  i was being stupid.  i was bored.  i did whatever i wanted and didn’t give a fuck.

you know what is hard years?  the REST of life.  working 40 hours a week until you die or the sun explodes or both.  because if the sun explodes you die.  why am i not on a farm in australia by now?  it’s harder being a grown-up person i think.  i don’t drink like that anymore ever.  instead i get up every morning and go to work.  then i come home for lunch.  later i go to yoga.  i have some friends.  we talk about things.  mainly we work a lot.  i don’t even know what i want to be and i am less than 30 days away from being 28.  plus, why do i have to be anything?  why did i leave my family and come here?  where are the people who want what i want?  how can i find those people if i don’t know what i want?

mikey my brother was sort of flipping out on the phone today about uhh yeah dude, best podcast ever, because he has this feeling and so do i sometimes, that the only people who get to lead the lives we want to lead are the already-rich.  i believe his exact words were: “how can i create culture and ideas if john larquette isn’t my dad?”  something along those lines.  how can we?  i see this in my own life all the time.  we are rich people.  but still not rich enough because we have to get jobs and insurance and meals.  other people can focus their energy on smoking weed in their basement and making podcasts.  i don’t barely have any energy at all.

it makes you sort of feel compassion for drug dealers.

anyway.  i am moving to farm in a couple years.  i like my job.  i just miss those days when i lived with my best friend and we did anything we wanted to.  i remember riding bikes with him to a mountain goats show and thinking, “this is EXACTLY what i thought being a grown-up would be like when i was a kid.”  but it’s weird how that stuff sort of feels like now that it never really existed.

it’ll work out.  the mattress will get better and i will start having fun again and stop holding my life up to fake lives on podcasts and tv.  i am going to start going on internet dates or something.  there will be excitement and tragedy, but small-scale tragedy.  i guess the boys buy you drinks or whatever.  i want them to buy me kombucha, slap me in the face and say, “stop whining.”  not on the first date maybe, but at some point.


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