community service

(this picture is fully stolen from facebook.  it is from the night the break-up dress went dancing.  that beautiful girl is my friend ami.)

jury duty=amazing.  i am reading a super sad true love story right now so i am sort of extra aware of the destruction of privacy, the end of language, the end of human interaction, the END OF TIME.  regardless, i tweeted from jury selection today.  i am not worried that i will get arrested because i know that the constitution was written before twitter and i am a glenn beck constitutionalist.  jk/bff.  or, if this was the near future of asstls, jbf (much grosser and worse) (please god let me move to a farm before it’s too late).

anyway, jury selection was pretty hilarious.  when do you get to hear the opinions of all the people you see on the street.  it really brings to mind that old “be quiet and let everyone think you are stupid or open your mouth and prove them right” saying, however it goes.  there was the surgeon, nearly crying when he wanted to convince the judge he couldn’t be impartial and then completely reversing his WAY of being partial with a soliloquy on the societal ills of homelessness.  the tee-totalling anesthesiologist, the phlebotomist who didn’t believe in science.  so many people TRYING to prove they were incapable of suspending judgment, only to be outstripped by me.  sorry guys.  if you want to learn how to NOT get picked for a jury, follow one simple rule: be elizabeth fredericka acker.

the surgeon and the anesthesiologist were sent home actually, after an hour of questions.  so was a non-english speaker and one of the other “people who drink are criminals” types.  but most were kept.  then they called me up to take the place of the surgeon.  within ten minutes i was leaving the courthouse.

honestly, i am still trying to figure out what happened to get me axed so quickly (though jury instructions include DO NOT SPECULATE ON WHY PEOPLE ARE DISMISSED).  things i said: i know about a million people who have had duis.  i think it is ridiculous to believe that because someone says they are telling the truth they are.  i don’t drive to protect the community from my terrible driving.  i know a lot of park rangers.

i might have made the judge laugh a couple times, victory to me.  anyway, the assistant district attorney thanked and excused me.  i didn’t even try!  i was actually like, well, if this happens, it happens.  i can make it work.  but no dice.  my community will not let me service them.

all in all, a great afternoon of no internet, just justice (“justice”?) in action.  i hope i never have to get judged by a jury, that’s for sure.  i would would almost rather get stoned by a mob.  what i mean is, it’s basically the same thing.

good luck with that “innocent until proven guilty” thing potential fellow jurors!  good luck america!  also: i am reading tomorrow at the library.  i know i am not on the list since i am a last minute add.  however YOU SHOULD COME!!  xoxoxox


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