party for wolves

tomorrow, as you might know, is new year’s eve.  i wasn’t going to go in to work but then i found out john oliver will be in the studio so i am i going to go in for like an hour to get a picture of him for our facebook page.  glamor life.  my life.

new years is a weird thing.  i always make lists of things around new years.  this started back when i first had my blog and jessie and i made a list of things that made us want to puke in 2006.  that was four years ago.  holy shit.  i have lived in sf now for a very long time.  longer than i lived in portland.  not up to corvallis time length but still: is this my adult home?  it’s grown on me and when i got back from oregon the other day i was really glad to be here.  when i was a little kid my family moved a lot and i used to refuse to call places “home.”  it took me years to admit we really lived in corvallis, even though i hated our previous location (i’m looking at you pullman, washington).  i think there is something good about moving to a city as a more grown-up type person.  all the options and the challenges seem fun and you don’t just expect them.  but now, even though part of me wants to live in a small town, these smaller places seems sort of oppressive.  maybe especially in oregon where every place is filled with people just exactly like me.  it’s sort of insanely boring, to be honest.

but i miss family.  my family specifically but also the connections with people.  i was thinking today maybe i should just have kids but then i wouldn’t be able to go to yoga and also i am not going to have kids alone.  i’m too old for that.  i know it is too hard.

look, i got this crazy smartphone app that tells you when you are ovulating, even though i kind of know, and these things are clearly for the consistently sexually active-types and every time i look at my phone there is a little pink square with green in it.  shouldn’t it be red?  maybe the green square is what’s making me think about babies.  but, i’m not responsible enough for babies, i like sugar and drama and i’m very self-centered.  so i just have to use my imagination.

anyway, making a list this year seems impossible.  a lot of crazy good stuff has happened: my book came out!  i have a job that doesn’t generally make me want to claw my eyes out and ALSO PAYS ME.  jade moved to san francisco.  bad stuff happened: pete moved out, my great-aunt died, a really awesome girl i knew was killed.  that is the worst thing.  you can’t list that thing.  you can’t just make it go away.

the weird thing about the last four years is that each one gets more complicated.  when 2000 changed to 2001 i was on a beach of the willamette river with my high school boyfriend i think and there was a bonfire and i wanted it to be so perfect but it just wasn’t.  when 1999 changed to 2000 i was in the back room in a hotel lobby in cape town, using all my coins to call my friends in oregon.  not perfect.  and then of course there is the whole last three years: when 2009 changed to 2010, i was with pete.  2008 to 2009, pete.  2007 to 2008, pete.  it’s strange how you can be over things and not over them at the same time.  it’s strange how glad i am that he is out of the country right now and how sad i am too.  and how there are all these other people in my life that i want to be with and don’t want to be with on new year’s eve.  i’ve been invited to a bunch of parties and i am thinking of just going to yoga and then maybe MAYBE going to the party that a stranger invited me to.  maybe 2011 will be about new people as well as the old people.  i don’t know.  this is all sounding a little maudlin and it could be because it’s 9 and i haven’t eaten dinner.

anyway, happy new year, in case i don’t get around to it tomorrow.  peace in the world, right?

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