a fleeting beating

you know that i write all day?  i do. i write ALL DAY.  you know what i’ve been listening to for the last 2 days while i write facebook updates and tweets and emails?  the new decemberists album, streaming from npr.  sometimes you hear an album and you love it and you want to listen to it over and over again and you do (because “you” is me) and then you get it fully soaked into your brain so for the rest of your life (or at least so far in your life) you can hear the music and feel feelings.  what else gives you feelings besides music?  i mean, what else gives you immediate containable and yet undefinable feelings that you want to feel because they aren’t like knives in your stomach but more like stomach-tickles, besides music?

i’m reading sex at dawn.  sometimes i think dan savage is full of shit but he said everyone should read this book and i am beginning to agree with him.  here’s why: there’s so much we don’t understand about ourselves but WE PRETEND WE DO UNDERSTAND IT.  and we make all these assumptions that we don’t even think of as assumptions, about who we are and how we should be in society, in our families, in our jobs, with our kids, with people we are sleeping with.

basically, it’s complicated.  everything is very complicated.  or maybe not it’s just that humans make things complicated by believing that they are all the only person who feels weird in the world and everyone else is totally together and with it and loving it.

i mention this because sometimes people tell me i really have my shit together.  HILarious.  i do NOT have my shit together.  i don’t even know where my shit is located which means i can’t get it one place to even BEGIN to get it together.

i’d like to meet more people who are okay admitting they have no fucking clue what’s going on and starting there.

anyway, that picture is from new year’s eve.  jade’s friends like taking “candid” pictures where everyone acts like they are being candid.  it’s funny.

other than that, i should tell you I MADE A DOCTOR’S APPOINTMENT.  not that i am sick but if you remember, that was one of the things i wanted to get sorted.  what’s the point of having insurance if you still die from some pathetically curable disease or even if you just don’t use it?  so, i’m making it happen.

holy shit i love this album.  why?  why do i love it?  i wish we were all around a fire eating meat that someone just killed.  i would trade this for that.  but this is still pretty nice.

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2 comments

  1. Saw this quote today, which I thought of while reading your thoughts on having one’s shit together (or seeming to).

    “If we only wanted to be happy, it would be easy; but we want to be happier than other people, and that’s almost always difficult, since we think them happier than they are.”

    – Charles de Secondat

  2. 1. what? that is a totally true and amazing quote and
    2. what?!?!?! christopher ryan who CO-WROTE THE BOOK SEX AT DAWN?! you’re blowing my mind right now, in so many different ways!

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