one thing i can be sure of is that no one is reading my blog anymore. for starters, my grandpa died. just a few weeks ago. at age 90. he was my main reader and an awesome guy and while i am sad i never got to give him any great grand kids (which he wanted), at least he saw me get older and write a book.
i was lucky to get to spend some time with him on the day before he died. it was amazing to see someone go through those last moments, try to figure out what to do. amazing to see how little anyone, even a 90 year old who knows as much as any human, knows.
when people you love die i guess the thing it reminds you is that a) you are still alive and b) you will die too. the last few weeks, consequentially, have found me taking stock of things in my life. let me tell you this: changing your life is hard. being honest about how you feel in the face of total rejection is hard. but i am doing it, as much as it sucks and as much as i am crying. because when i die, whether i am 90 or 29, i want to know i was honest with myself and honest with the people i love. that i did as much as i could to make the world the place i think it totally could be.
today is the anniversary of my best friend moving in. four years ago. he hasn’t lived with me for two years and i miss him like crazy all the time. but at least it happened. and i really think that someday i will be just as happy as i was that day i woke up four years ago and knew that today was the day my life was changing.
i guess life is always changing. i feel so lucky that i can witness it and feel the feelings of being in the world. i’m grateful for smoothies and my parents and my brother and all the amazing friends i have. also for my job, the roof over my head and hbo.
there’s a new story i wrote up at small doggies if you want to read it.
i’ve had a pretty rough couple of weeks and there’ve been a few moments when i completely forget all those things that i like and i love and i want to move to mars or eternal-sunshine-of-the-spotless-mind myself. but then i get some calories in my body and start to remember the good things too. not the things i’ve lost but what i’ve gained.
happy memorial day. love forever to my grandpa. i’m glad he was born and that he had my dad and that my parents had me. no matter what, being alive is interesting. and then at the end, if you are like my grandpa, you might say: “the hard part now is wrapping your head around nothing.”
all these hard parts, letting people you love go and giving up ideas you had or things you thought defined you, are all practice for the final wrapping of your head around nothing. it isn’t going to be easy but practice never hurt anyone.