i think i might get two tattoos this summer. other goals i have: get back into yoga. write things that people will read. peggy olson my way through this sort of rough time by remembering how great my life actually is. i’ve got so many friends, a very nice roommate, a new market that sells things like organic blackberries, just down the street, a fabulous job and an amazing family.
sometimes i think i only get back into blogging when i am sad, which is too bad for anyone who reads my blog as generally, i am pretty happy. actually, i’ve been realizing that lately, that i am happy and that when i am not happy that’s the exception, rather than the other way around. why am i not super happy now? well, partially it has to do with the birthday celebrations i attended last night. it was a very fun time, i just had a little more whiskey than is strictly appropriate for a work night.
also, i haven’t done yoga in ages.
also, i’m still coming to terms with this loss i have been dealing with, that i mentioned in my last post.
it isn’t my grandpa, though i am sad he is gone. but i also feel glad that he had such a long and full life and i got to be there for the end of it. however, i am going to pretend it is my grandpa, because the real thing i lost is not something i can really talk about on the internet, and the two losses are similarly final and, like my grandpa said, “the hardest part is wrapping your head around nothing.”
i think you probably can’t honestly wrap your head around nothing. instead you have to pretend you can. act like your grandpa is dead. you don’t call him, you don’t hear from him, you tell everyone he’s dead. but deep down you believe he is just on vacation in africa or on a cruise. you’ll probably see him at christmas. he’ll probably comment on your blog or something, at some point. sometimes, you can wear his sweatshirt and plan on telling him how cozy it is, when you see him next.
one time, and now i really am talking about my grandpa, my grandpa tried to convince a waitress at the olive garden that i didn’t need my id for a glass of wine because he was old enough to vouch for me. he liked to tell me that when he was a young boy he could walk into a bar and order a beer and it was totally okay. i don’t remember if he was 8 or 13 in that story, but i like to imagine my little grandpa, ordering a beer.
imagination might be the only thing that keeps us alive, really.
anyway, i think to deal with the finality of losing someone, you have to live in a dream world while your subconscious brain and your body adjust to the fact that they really are gone. it must take a long time for your conscious mind to catch up to these other parts. there must be a time when you think: “oh, my grandpa really isn’t coming for christmas. he is dead. all the things that made up who he was are gone. completely and forever.”
i am not to that place yet but i’m working on it. i think my body has known it for a long time. now it’s just the two parts of my brain that are trying to catch up.
i think it is probably worth it, to live in a way that acknowledges the reality of your situation: a person you love is gone. a person you love is gone. a person you love is gone.
the only reason i believe it’s worth it is because everyone tells me it is. all the books and all the songs say it is. if you don’t come to terms with what is and what isn’t, you might as well move to grey gardens. i would rather live in the world.
the truth is though, i’ve never actually done this before–completely lost someone. people come in and out of my life and no one i really love has ever been gone for too long.
the cat i got in fourth grade is still alive, for crying out loud.
my mom didn’t die of cancer. my best friend from kindergarten still sends me text messages. i have a friend who moved to london 8 years ago and guess what: i’m going to be her bridesmaid in october. the boy i was in love with in high school visits all the time.
how insanely lucky of me that in all my experience, people stick around.
i’m almost 30. i guess it’s as good a time as any to find out that actually they don’t.