fear bubble

lately i’ve been having trouble being a grown up. i was thinking tonight, when i walked to walgreens and later on the phone with jessie, that i thought this craziness was behind me. i thought that i grew out of emotional outbursts and intense insecurity and the fight or flight response when i was like 22. turns out, no, i was just alone for awhile and i got into that semi-wonderful alone thing, where you don’t depend on anyone for anything, except maybe your parents for money. you feel completely un-crazy because you aren’t continually putting yourself up against somebody else’s self and finding the differences.

what i am saying is not that i would rather be alone at all. i love having someone i love in my house with me, to talk to or not talk to. to cook for. to complain to. but it can be fucking challenging as well because what if that person goes away? what if you put your whole weight on that person and they disappear?

pete started school this semester which is completely awesome and the right thing to do because he is a genius artist. you should see his most recent sculpture. it bill blow your head off. but also it is a big challenge for me because i am so used to having him around ALL THE TIME. to eat dinner with. to sit on the couch with. to skateboard with. and now this is new part of our life together in which i don’t get those things whenever i want or even very frequently. which i am trying to deal with without burning down the school or developing an online poker habit.

basically i miss him when he is gone and i am afraid when he is gone a lot he will find someone cooler and then be gone forever.

but i am trying to deal with my fear and my irrationality by, direct jessie quote, my personal therapist after my mom has gone to bed, “acknowledging it and then putting space around it.” also: yoga, internet television, late night walks in the mission, coming up with new projects like designing a book written by my young cousin lila. here we are, as you can see, a pair of geniuses:

also i have my many jobs to keep me busy and a whole new tutoring student starting next week THAT I AM GETTING PAID FOR. this is hard though, being in a full-on relationship. good too. like most hard things. like this crazy bind i did in yoga today. who thought i would ever be able to do a bind? who thought i would get into yoga? who thought i would then compare yoga to life?

i need to take my contacts out. it’s late and i should go to bed.

1 Comment

  1. when did we become people who went to yoga to get a handle on things? it's going to add a great dimension to being middle aged women–we're going to be middle aged buff ladies in spandex who go on ashram retreats and talk about tantric sex. my ovaries/future children are already kind of mortified and impressed.

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